


Shuichi Vlogs // Oumasai Crack Fic

by Mafia_Toast



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, F/F, Kokichi Shove The Taco Up My-, M/M, Shuichi Shove The Taco Up My-, Strawberry Bitch, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:28:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29260488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mafia_Toast/pseuds/Mafia_Toast
Summary: ╔═══════ ೋღ ✿ ღೋ ═══════╗Eyo Shuichi vlogs here! Today I'm saving Kokichi Oma from drowning but first, we gotta hit two million likes on this video guys. So go ahead and smash that like button. One like equals one second of air for Kokichi. This is gonna be an absolute banger guys! Don't forget to subscribe, hit that notification bell so you know every time we post. We're doing daily vlogs now, daily couple pranks. My merch link's in the description as always, we have the drip guys! The emo drip. Without further ado, let's go save Kokichi from drowning!(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧╚═══════ ೋღ. ✿ ღೋ ═══════╝
Relationships: Chabashira Tenko/Yumeno Himiko, Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 17





	Shuichi Vlogs // Oumasai Crack Fic

Saihara had been fucking abandoned by his uncle after he refused to do detective work. So things weren't looking to pogchamp in his life. He had gotten kicked out of the home two weeks ago till he agreed to work as a slave to his uncle's detective agency yet again (which wasn't going to happen anytime soon). Saihara needed a place to stay until he was able to get back on his feet. Luckily, one of his only friends stepped up and allowed him to sleep under his roof until he was able to get a job. That friend was Hoshi Ryoma.

As traumatic as the event is, Hoshi's place wasn't the worst. Saihara had been spending the night here for about two weeks now, trying to figure out how to make some money to get back on his feet. His house was very modern, in a small neighborhood right next to a serene pond. Overall it was a very reserved, warm, and peaceful space, a great home to relax and just collect your thoughts. It helped that Hoshi owned a bunch of cats. They felt like emotional support animals. 

Saihara was beyond thankful Hoshi was willing to let him stay here for such a long time without asking him for anything in return. But, Hoshi was pretty persistent in getting Saihara a job so they could split taxes. Trying to look for a job hasn't been easy in the slightest considering Saihara had no job experience besides being a detective, it seems impressive on paper but, Saihara was still fairly young and his medical history was completely fucked over. Not even Femboy Hooters was willing to hire him, and that place was so run down it feels like they hire anyone at this point...

Saihara was hitting a new low, so with nowhere else to turn, he started posting some stuff on Youtube with his other emo friend, Hoshi. It seemed easy at the time but god was it difficult to even get a single view, an accomplishment that Saihara hasn't reached yet. Hoshi took a lot of convincing before finally agreeing to work on it with him, on the condition his cats would be involved in every video, one way or another.

Saihara sighed thinking about his crippling financial issues while gradually opening the door to Hoshi's room.

"Hello, Hoshi..." Saihara set down his bag onto the black carpet and began slowly walking down to Hoshi's bed, phone in hand.

"Hey. Have you checked our analytics yet?" Hoshi didn't have any problems jumping straight to the point. He lounged around the floor, absolutely vibing with his many purring cats.

"Ah-... No. Not yet. I'm scared too.." Saihara glanced down at his cracked, pink glittery phone. 

"You're gonna have to look soon. You can't just avoid it like it doesn't exist." Hoshi's words were somewhat drowned out by the sheer amount of purring happening in his general area.

"If this Youtube thing doesn't help your finical state then we're gonna have to go search for a real job again." Hoshi raised his voice so Saihara could hear over the cats.

Saihara took a deep breath before opening his phone's lock screen. Wishing for a miracle, he hesitantly opened up his Youtube analytics to see the number of views his current video had gotten.

_"Surely this one has to have at least one view. I put so much effort into editing it tirelessly."_

Saihara somehow managed to lay his eyes upon the screen. In an instant, any hopes he had were crushed down as soon as they came. 

"SETTING MYSELF ON FIRE FOR VIEW'S DAY 17" currently was sitting at **_-7 views._ **

"What? Again?! How is that even humanly possible?" Saihara fell onto Hoshi's bed, still confused as fuck as to how in the living hell his videos were getting a negative amount of views. 

Hoshi got off of the ground for a brief moment to glance over at Saihara's screen.

"Another negative number? Jeez..." Hoshi sighed before going back to petting his cats on the floor.

"I don't understand what I am doing wrong, Hoshi..." Saihara cried.

"This whole thing is just luck-based. Don't be so hard on yourself." Hoshi tried his best to reassure Saihara.

"If this Youtube thing doesn't work out, can't we always look for another source of income?" Hoshi had been pretty insistent from the start that Youtube wasn't the best career choice for the both of them.

"Hoshi, we already went over this. My resume is terrible. I'm severely underqualified. No one in town is willing to hire me for anything." 

Hoshi's room fell silent. The only thing filling the room were the sounds of the many cats purring loudly as fuck, being annoying and smothering Hoshi with their love. The thing that broke that silence was the sudden sound of Saihara's phone playing a video.

_"Nyeh... Tenko. I asked for Fruity Pebbles, not Captain Crunch..."_

"Look, they get so many loyal fans just for recording themselves doing normal things...... I'm actually kind of jealous." Saihara admitted, watching the video play through a blur of tears.

"Some people are just natural entertainers. Nothing to get jealous over." Hoshi replied.

"I can't help but envy them just a little... My life's ridding on this Youtube thing." Saihara faintly mumbled, almost inaudibly.

"If I can't start making income from this, I'll have to go back to being a detective... And I don't want that to happen." 

Saihara never wanted to become a detective despite being in that position for many years. Truthfully, Saihara couldn't think of a worse career to have. Uncovering people's secrets for money just sounded the worst to him. After years of working as a slave to his uncle's detective agency, he developed Emo Kid Syndrome. A rare syndrome, going without any cure for years on end, despite how life-threatening it could be. Being diagnosed with Emo Kid Syndrome was truly one of the most traumatic events of his life. It's why he quit his job as a detective and decided to go onto being a YouTuber instead. Recording videos and posting them on the internet seemed like easy money at the time. But now that he's on the platform, getting noticed feels nearly impossible.

"Well, if you're that desperate... We could try to make video's like that Momota guy..." Hoshi suggested.

"Ah, even I'm not willing to go that low..." Saihara replied, going back to watching Yumeno and Chabishira talk about Fruity Pebbles.

"Tch... That guy still has WAYYYYSSS TOO GO." Ryoma muttered.

Momota Kaito. He has anything you could ask for, fame, fortune. At the cost of being hated by everyone that not an 8-year-old on their mom's Ipad touch. He rose to fame a few years ago after putting a baby inside an oven for a prank. He started appearing everywhere on news channels, and his fanbase of children began to copy his deviant behavior. Instants of babies inside ovens began to rise more and more every day in Japan because of this guy. Every month it seems like this guy comes up with a new way to make himself look even worse. The only difference is now he's doing fake ass 3:00 am videos instead of pranks. Everyone despises this guy. Saihara wouldn't ever go to those kinds of lengths for clout.

"Well, what other options are there? It feels like we already went down every genre without any luck." Hoshi asked.

Shuichi suddenly had a big brain revolutionary idea. This was about to be a 300 IQ play on Shuichi's part if this crazy-ass idea somehow worked.

"We could try doing pranks again..." Saihara suggested as he got out of Hoshi's bed. 

"Hmm? What makes you think pranks will work this time? Haven't we already tried those kinds of videos together?" Hoshi questioned.

"Ah, well... It wouldn't hurt to try one last time..." Saihara took a deep breath and began to slip on his shoes.

"I think I have a solid idea, something that would really help us stand out," Saihara muttered.

"Well, what is it?" Hoshi asked.

"Uhm... Do you remember that boy with the clown mask who pretended to mug you at 7-Eleven?" Saihara began.

"Which one?" Hoshi questioned. 

"The purple-haired boy, erm- The one holding the Glock," Saihara explained, trying to recall the events that had played out that night.

"Yeah, I remember. What about it?" Hoshi asked.

"Didn't you say you saw him there frequently?" Saihara had an idea, something that could potentially save his career.

"Yep, he's always there at the soda fountain around noon every day..." Hoshi explained.

"Thank you so much, Hoshi... I am going to go talk to him now if that's okay..." Saihara quickly checked the time on his phone before rushing over to the door. Griping onto the knob before being stoped by Hoshi.

"What are you planning on asking him? That kid is annoying, so if you're planning on inviting him to film, there might be a few issues." Hoshi explained.

"Don't worry... I'll explain later. Noon is almost over. I have to head there quick." Saihara flung the door open.

"Tch. Don't say I didn't warn you." Hoshi sighed as Saihara ran out the front door.

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶

Saihara ran sonic speed down the streets. He was running around at the speed of sound. He had places to go, gotta follow his gay rainbow. Can't stick around, have to keep movin' on. Guess what lies ahead, only one way to find out. He was becoming Sonic the Hedgehog himself, Saihara had transformed into a blue fucking hedgehog straight down to the 7-Eleven, praying he would be on time.

When he had finally arrived at his destination, Saihara took a moment to catch his breath. He hadn't realized how fast he had been running till he looked behind him and saw literal flames from his footsteps, probably set a few dogs on fire or something, smh stupid dogs getting in the way of Saihara's greatness. Saihara took a second to breathe properly. It felt as if his whole body was worn out, from his run to the shady looking 7-Eleven. Hoshi had told him he was near the soda fountain every day at noon. Saihara looked down at his pink, glittery phone to check the time.

12:31 pm.

Saihara had hoped to arrive quicker, but it was still noon. Hopefully, the purple-haired boy would still be by the soda fountain inside. Without any time to waste, Saihara gently opened the door to the 7-Eleven and took a moment to observe his soundings. The place was packed with annoying little kids on their mother's phones, watching Momota Kaito while drinking their 1 dollar Slupies. Saihara tried his best to contain his anxiety, calmly walking down to the back of the store where the soda fountains were located. He couldn't help but eavesdrop on one of Momota's viral videos playing in the background.

"Okay, guys! I got the Ouija board out, and today we're summoning Satan himself! If you don't hit that like button, then Satan is gonna give your pet goldfish Hepatitis B! This is gonna be a banger! Follow me on my Twitter.com! All you kids at home can follow along too! First, you're gonna need some taco's, the devil loves taco bell!"

Saihara listened repulsed to what he was hearing.

_Just how far are these people willing to go for clout?_

Before he had a chance to get distracted, Saihara went back to pacing down to the back of the 7-Eleven, to the soda fountain. When he got there, he could see a short figure standing there. 

He was covered head to toe in the drip 😳😳😳 Looking fine as hell holding a grape Slurpee in his left hand. His luxurious purple hair glistened in the flickering lights of the shady 7-Eleven. Saihara was left there in a daze, not able to move to him. He took a moment to take this in. He was so fucking hot, like mega super duper duper ultra hots. Like super duper hotty hot hot hot hots. The boy took a sip of his Slurpee, it made Saihara think of what that mouth can do 😳😳😳

As flustered as Saihara was, he couldn't afford to show his big homo feelings. He contained his very big homosexual, not wanting to cause a scene, and approached the small, purple-haired boy.

Saihara gently tapped the boy's shoulder. 

"Excuse me-" Saihara murmured.

"Hmm? Do you work here? If so, I am tottttalllyyyy not stealing anything! Nope! Not stealing at all!" The small boy flashed a childish grin to Saihara. 

"Uhm- no... I don't work here..." Saihara fucking wished he worked here.

"Oh. Well, what do you need then? I'm the leader of evil, so make it quick, I'm super busy today." 

_Like hell you're busy you're alone at 7-Eleven drinking a Slushie._

"Do you like- pranks..?" Saihara asked very embarrassed he was asking a complete stranger this.

"Yeeeessss?" The boy gently tilted his head in curiosity, a grin still across his face.

"Do you... Want to start a youtube channel with me?" Saihara covered his face because of his big stupid.

"Hmm..? What's the catch?" The grape perked his head up. 

"No catch- I'm just in a really tight finical place right now and-..." Saihara paused for a moment, trying to collect the right words.

"If I can't start making money soon, I am going to have to go back to doing labor work as a detective back at my uncle's house..." Saihara got a big sad on his face, almost ready to just turn away and stop talking to this purple gremlin child.

"Aww, man. Your life sounds not very pogchamp right now! Do you even have a place to stay?" The boy still had a smile across his face, despite how dire the situation was. It was kinda hot to Saihara- I mean- admirable. 

"Only a friend's house..." Saihara was seriously grateful that Hoshi let him sleep at his house for those long nights. If he hadn't then Saihara would probably be eating shitty, stale, ketchup pop tarts on the cold streets.

"Hmm... Do you have any videos up yet?" The gremlin child asked.

"Ah- yeah but... There kinda embarrassing... I am planning on just deleting them all soon." Saihara handed the boy his phone and let him look through the variety of videos he had published on Youtube. He clicked on "SETTING MYSELF ON FIRE FOR VIEWS DAY 6". The video began playing.

_"Hey- I am setting myself on fire again... Hoshi has the lighter fluid and matches..."_

"Y u c k y" The boy childishly pouted, almost dropping his Slurpee on the ground while doing so.

"I-Is it terrible..?" Saihara looked away in complete shame.

"Well, duh! There's soooo many flaws with all of them... Likkkkeee..." The boy paused for a second while looking back down at Saihara basically almost burning to death on film.

"Well. You guys are just sooo boring!" He explained while handing Saihara his phone back. 

"What part of me setting myself on fire every day is boring?" Saihara asked, a bit in disbelief. It's the best idea he was able to come up with, burning to death didn't seem boring to him in the slightest.

"You're showing no personality in these! You all sound so monotone and bored!" The boy complained.

"W-What can I do to fix it then..?" Saihara just wanted answers. What could he do to fix this? How could he start getting paid?

"Wellll, what are we aiming for here? It seems like you guys are just posting every kinda genre. You need to have some sort of channel theme, you know?" 

"Ah, I know what I wanna do." Saihara remembered just what he wanted to do, Chabashira and Yumeno's vlogs seemed the easiest, something that would take little effort while still giving him the big bucks. He wanted to do something similar to them.

"Here! Watch this video." Yet again, Saihara handed his phone over to the boy. Playing one of Yumeno and Chabashira's vlog videos.

"Hmm..." The purple gremlin child examined the video closely.

_"Himiko! Gimmie smooch, ur so poggers Himiko omg please gimmie smooch you're so epic and nice and cute"_

"Sooooo couple vlogging videos?" Grape asked.

"A-Ah, just... Normal vlogging vide-" Saihara was cut off before he could even begin explaining.

"No way Jose! That's suppperrr boring!" Grape explained, kinda annoyed with Saiharas big boomer-ness.

"Huh? What do you mean-" Saihara asked.

"The reason people watch these kinda channels is so they can see a perfect, wholesome, homo relationship. Do you think people are here for everyday life things? That's a big nope! They're watching for the homo."

"I never really thought about it that way..." Saihara admitted.

"If we wanna be a successful vlogging channel, then we gotta pretend date for a bit." Grape plastered a smile on himself again, handing the phone back to Saihara.

"A-Ah but- I appreciate that you want to help me but, we just meet and, I don't think that dating you is gonna somehow get me any more popular-" Saihara had a big blush on his face because, he had to admit grape was a little bit hot. He was covered in that drip and very cute with that grape Slurpee.

"Don't worry! It's all just gonna be in front of the camera! Just pretend dating!" He explained.

"I don't even know your name-" Saihara had already made a mental note to call him, "gremlin child" so his name really didn't matter but- still.

"My name's Oma Kokichi! Youuu?" Oma, aka gremlin child, said.

"S-Saihara Shuichi-" Saihara stuttered.

"Soooo we can pretend date now?" Grape said, with the purest fucking smile ever on his face.

"W-Won't we have to kiss and stuff still..?" Saihara wanted the smooch but didn't wanna admit it.

"Well yeah, obviously. But it will totally be worth it for the views, you know? D-Do you think I am ugly or something Saihara..?" Oma cried.

"N-No! You got the d-drip Oma you're not ugly... I... I guess it wouldn't hurt to try-" Saihara finally agreed to fake dating Oma.

"Yippie! Now let's practice kissing!" Oma cheered, with a big happy on his face.

"W-Wait, hold on a second..." Saihara somewhat shouted at his sudden request for the smooch.

"Hmm..?" Grape said.

"I- I don't wanna start doing that kind of stuff with you yet..." Saihara blushed.

"Aww man, finneeeee... I'll wait till your ready!" Oma smiled, finally finishing his grape Slurpee, tossing it in a convenient trash bin right next to him. 

"Sooo when are we gonna start filming! Am I gonna get a script oooorrr..." Oma asked.

"Ah, yeah... We write down scripts. We can write one together with Hoshi tonight if you want and film tomorrow." Saihara suggested as they both began walking out of the 7-Eleven together.

"Ooooh! How exciting! I feel like I'm a famous actor on tv or something!" Oma smiled, gripping onto Saihara's hand. Saihara got a big blush on his face, and his homo meter was going brrrrr so he didn't stop Oma. 

And thus began Saihara's journey towards becoming a famous vlogger, who shoves tacos up his ass for a living.


End file.
